There Never Was A Harriet
by One day I'll be a dinosaur
Summary: Hotch tells Reid about his life. FTM Hotch. HotchReid slash. Thanks to ChocolateDivineDiva and allthingsanonymous


It had been an accidental date, they'd both been the last in the office. Jack was away visiting his maternal grandparents, so Hotch had no real reason to hurry, he'd only do work when he got home so why bother moving.

Reid's neighbours were having a party, a birthday party for a five year old, knowing Reid the neighbours had warned him, and were secretly jealous that he could stay away while their apartment was full of screaming four and five year olds on a sugar rush.

So Reid was sitting at his desk making a pencil catapult waiting until after eight, it would be safe then. Hotch seeing an unproductive agent having fun wanted to go join in, it was a conditioned response and by now he had learnt to be the stern FBI boss by the time he got there to play and would sometimes find himself breaking up the fun. Really it should be always, but his team needed all the smiles they could get.

But it was just him and Reid so after an hour or so of catapulting the hard candy Morgan kept hidden away at his desk, the two men, in a fit of giggles, went for a ride. They drove around aimlessly for a while, and stopped at a drive through. It was while Reid was leaning over Hotch, paying the attendant, that something clicked. Hotch drove off without the food, parked, and Reid jumped on him. It was hard to position themselves so that Reid could sit comfortably on Hotch's lap but was worth it when they both felt how hard the other was.

But Reid stopped them and lent in to Hotch "Aaron, I think we should take this else where, unless you have a public kink, I could work with that." Hotch grinned, he especially enjoyed it when Spencer showed his confidence, and took charge. He was looking forward to both being dominated by and taming SSA Dr Spencer Reid.

But first a discussion was in order. Pushing Spencer off him Aaron started up his engine, unsure of where to take them. "Reid, before we go any further we need to talk."

"Aaron, first names, you're right we do need to talk about work and any relationship we may have, but first names will help us compartmentalise."

"It's not that Spencer, although that is something we need to deal with. No, I need you to know that while I've always been male I was born in a female body." Aaron parked his car. Somehow they had made it to outside his house. Spencer was sitting looking at him. "Tell me, whatever you can, whatever you want. I want to know you Aaron, please?"

Hotch felt a weight lift off his shoulders, he had never played the field as a transmen and he knew that a lot of men had problems. It wasn't something you discussed unless you were conformable in the relationship but by then it could be ruined by your partner feeling lied to and betrayed, or just not understanding.

Transgender people were still completely misunderstood and misrepresented. Hotch didn't like the LGBT grouping, being transsexual had nothing to do with his sexual orientation. But now wasn't the time to rage against society.

Spencer was still here, and he wanted to know, it wasn't an issue he was sweeping under the rug. Hotch didn't feel like this was Spencer's morbid curiosity but that he cared about Aaron and wanted to know more about the man, and dare Hotch say it? Spencer wanted to know more about the man he loved.

Staring out the windscreen at his front door, not really seeing it, Aaron began to speak. "For my eighteenth birthday my Mom gave me a new birth certificate. Her brother-in-law was mayor of a small near by town, it wasn't hard for him to get one. Because of this I was able to marry Haley, I was able to join the FBI. I never had to deal with legal issues, I feel like I cheated.

She gave me that certificate not because she accepted me but because this would make the embarrassment go away. She loved me, of that I never doubted, she named me Harriet when I was born, and I think she always felt hurt that I didn't let her name me again. But I've always felt 'I am Aaron' so her re-naming me just never crossed my mind.

My father used to beat me, he didn't understand, he tried to beat it out of me. It never worked. When I was seven he gave in, I changed school and as far as my family were concerned I was Aaron.

That was when he started his affairs. I've always felt that it was my fault, he wouldn't dare get a divorce or just leave, that would tarnish his reputation. His family was wrong, I was wrong, and so he went else where.

Being a father myself I will never understand. I only want four things for Jack, for him to be healthy, happy, safe and loved. As long as he's not hurting anyone to get there, I don't care how he does it.

Sean donated, and I still have the turkey baster, but as far as Haley, Sean and I are concerned, Jack is my son. His birth certificate says as much, and my heart even more so. Throughout the divorce and the teething problems with visitation Haley never once played the 'he's not your son' card.

But Haley always was amazing, and from the very beginning she understood, I was sixteen and she was fifteen. I had just worked out how to bind my growing breasts, sometimes I would just stand in front of the mirror with a knife and have to talk myself out of just cutting them off, they weren't mine, they didn't belong."

Hotch paused and chuckled to himself he had never told this to anyone, out of his family that knew only Sean was left. Haley had been the only other person to know, and she had been there, seen it first hand, so there was no need to talk. His thoughts were all over the place but this was Spencer Reid, and a Spencer Reid paying his full attention, that was really hot, that Aaron could capacitative Spencer so. Hotch chuckled again, his thoughts really were all over the place.

He felt a squeeze on his hand, Spencer squeezed again when he saw he had the other man's attention. "It's okay Aaron, this is your story, you can tell it anyway you want. I'm listening." A nod and deep breath and then Hotch started up again.

"I had a new found confidence, I no longer had to wear baggy layers to hide my chest, and when I saw Haley, I joined the Pirates of Penzance for her. I can't wait until Jack is older so I can take him to see it, to tell him this is how your parents met, this is how we found love.

Haley walked in on me. I was at the school showers, I always hung back waiting and Haley had found out. I think she was feeling horny and brave, that fatal combination mixed in with fear that plagues our teenage years. She saw me naked. It was 1983 in small town in the south of America, I don't know what she was reading or how she got her hands on it but she knew. It was slightly awkward at first, she worried that she might be a lesbian. But one night she came to my house and asked me 'Aaron Hotchner will you be my boyfriend?'

She was the one who found about HRT, and in 1999 she was the one that held my hand when I came out of my male chest reconstruction surgery. She held the cup the first time I peed standing up. And she cried after the first time I made love to her using my erect penis."

Hotch stopped, he knew that the best way to chase off a new lover was to talk about your dead ex-lover, and to place them on such a high pedestal. So he changed tact of his story. Haley was another conversation they'd be having at a later date.

"When I applied for university I had no trouble, for them I was as male as can be, and any transcripts with the name Harriet on it, well this was the eighties, it wasn't hard to laugh it off as a mistake.

I entered law, my father was dead, but I still felt like a disappointment, I wanted to prove myself to him. Be a man like him but a better one. I hated it, so when I joined law enforcement I joined the most macho department. I still had my breasts, it was the early nineties, there wasn't the internet or the awareness there is today, I knew nothing about SRS. I felt I was alone in the world. My body was still female, and I hated it, it was a cage, a prison. It itched and I just wanted it off, I wanted to be me. So I joined SWAT, where I could be a real man. But again I hated it.

Here in the BAU is where I'm most comfortable, I'm a man here with nothing to prove, and I'm using my skills and interests. I love my job, I've spent so long trying to be something I'm not, and it's here that I'm free. Haley never understood, she thought it was all about me being the 'hero' saving the day, catching the bad guys. Don't get me wrong, that is a very appealing part of the job, but not the only reason I do it.

I always make sure to use my doctor, she's transgender herself, and had to set up her own private practice when her old work place found out. She understands to keep this quiet, and while she specialises in sex reassignment, she's brilliant enough, and caring enough, to let me, to let us, come to her for other health issues.

This isn't everything Spencer, I haven't told you about the loathing I felt and still feel, about the fear that when people find out, if they find out, that they start treating me as a woman. It makes me so angry when people refer to a FTM as 'she'. I haven't told you about the teasing when my voice didn't deepen with the rest. How hard it was to come home and undress and be faced with an abomination.

The first SRS in America was in 1969, I wish I could build a time machine and take baby me and present him to Dr Biber and ask him to fix him.

All our other issues, are known, but still need airing, but this, this is something new and I need to know now, can you deal with this Spencer?"

Spencer lent in and kissed Aaron's nose. "You have no idea how long I've wanted to do that for, sometimes I'm only pretending to do a geographical profile and all I'm thinking about is you naked on the map hard, and ready for me," he grinned and then whispered into Aaron's ear, "what do you say to you and me entering your home, going up stairs, snuggling until we fall asleep and then you fucking me silly first thing tomorrow morning?" Aaron did nothing but agree.


End file.
